11 years of Quaker school, and it's come to this

As it may have become obvious by now, I have a colossal weakness for dudes who can throw (and take) a punch, especially if they can also bury the puck. As luck would have it, this series features two players, both with the same number (FATE), who happen to fit this criteria: Milan Lucic and Ryan Kesler. Let's take a look. People who are not fond of men whaling on each other for sport (in other words, the diagnosably insane) are advised to look away.

We'll start with Looch, and the wonders of YouTube. A quick search pulls up fights against Chris Neil, Victor Hedman and Colton Orr (among others). Let's break them each down in a bloodthirsty and obsessive way!

-Chris Neil vs. Milan Lucic

In an earlier post, I used this picture:

Which, yes, is from this fight:

Gotta hand it to Neil. He is literally getting his blood punched out and he manages to stay on his feet the whole time AND get some good shots in. Even so, Neil is a goon (a kind of terrible goon, but still a goon) and his job is to win fights. Lucic is the B's top goal-scorer and he still manages to pull shit like this. In the pressbox, Cam Neely is smiling.

-Victor Hedman vs. Milan Lucic (kind of)

Maybe it's not a full-fledged "fight", but I don't like Hedman so I'm going to discuss it anyway.

Three best things about this:

1. English-speaking (CBC) announcers overlaid with some dude speaking what sounds like a Slavic language. All I understood was "Veektor Heedmahn." All I needed, frankly.

2. Horton's reaction

Basically: "Dude, I'm batshit and even I thought that was excessive."

NO IT WASN'T.

3. Lucic, slowly skating away from the scrum with his best "Anyone else?" expression. Calm, cool, and totally "look-at-me-funny-and-I'll-cut-you."

-Colton Orr vs. Milan Lucic

If I had a hockey team--i.e. when I get Gary Bettman high and convince him that two Boston teams would be bank/to resuscitate the Hartford Whalers/the Frog Pond is a totally viable NHL rink--I'd want a player like Colton Orr. Check out his 2009-2010 stats, which was the last season he played 82 games:

4 Goals 6 Points 239 Penalty-in-Minutes

Do you know how much effort it takes to get 239 PIM in one season? That's about four games' worth of time just chillin' on your ass in the box. And you top that off with 6 points in 82 games? I'm willing to bet Orr had plenty of shifts where he didn't even touch the puck, just rammed hapless skill players into the boards.

Bonus non-Lucic or Kesler clip at the link--Orr crosschecking Ovie to the face. Yes, really.

Okay, now that I'm done jizzing my panties over a Toronto Maple Leaf who couldn't score past my five-year-old nephew, let's return to the main subject of the post--Number 17's being BAMFs. I give you Orr vs. Lucic.

This season, Lucic scored 30 goals. That's three more than Patrick Kane. Unfortunately for Orr, when it comes to fighting, Lucic ain't no Kaner. He doesn't get Troy Brouwer to do his dirty work.

In the pressbox, Cam Neely is fondling himself laughing.

On the other hand...

I might be cheering for the Bruins, but, uh, I kind of have a thing for Ryan Kesler

Hell, who doesn't?

So in the interests of parity, and because I just posted on the Bruins' Number 17, here's a thinly veiled excuse to show the Ladd/Kesler fight few clips of Kesler showing what a friendly guy he is. With commentary, of course.

-Jarome Iginla vs. Ryan Kesler

This fight took place in 2006, during Kesler's first full season with the Canucks, and it’s priceless to hear the announcers describe Kes as “new at this” while he feeds Jarome Iginla, one of the toughest skill players in the league, three quick punches right off the bat. Iginla recovers and the fight turns into a draw, but it’s worth seeing if just to contrast Iggy’s bald skull with Kes’s shampoo-model head of hair, whipping around as he ducks punches.

-Ian Laperriere vs. Ryan Kesler

Ian Laperriere is my homeboy and just happens to be completely awesome (takes a puck to the mouth in the first, receives between 50 and 100 stitches, PLAYS THIRD PERIOD). I personally find it weird to see him in an Avs jersey—he just looked so badass in orange and black. Even so, it’s kind of amazing to see him absolutely conquer a 21-year-old Kesler during a game in 2006. It might not have been a KO, but it was clear from Laperriere’s first punch that Kesler had no chance in this one. Every power forward has to start somewhere, and there are a lot more embarrassing ways to begin your career of destroying people than by getting your ass handed to you by Lappy.

-Andrew Ladd vs. Ryan Kesler

Two words: yes please.

This one is quick. Gloves off. Helmets off. Sledgehammer of a left from Ladd, nearly knocking Kesler on his ass (to his credit, he stays up, barely). Kesler dives for him, does what looks vaguely like something out of WWE SmackDown, slams Ladd to the ice. The linesmen step in and separate them. Kesler goes down the hall to the dressing room, meets Ladd in a corridor, they have hot sex, realize their Pride and Prejudice-esque love for each other (guess which one is Lizzy? Hint—Ladd doesn’t have the hair for it) move in together, get gay married (legal in Canada!) and adopt tons of little Asian babies. I mean, I’m 90% sure that was what happened after Kes went down the tunnel. I just can’t see any other feasible outcome.

So how can we pick a winner out of these two? They have, as far as I can discern, never directly fought each other (if I'm wrong, please, pics or it didn't happen). I'm going to instead end this post with a video of Bobby Lou speaking French that came up during one of my many YouTube searches. I really dislike Luongo but...

Strangely mesmerizing, non?